Bittersweet Summers

Summers have been exciting times for me. I get a much need break from my students and school. I get to spend my time doing things around the house. I can stay on top of my housework (a girl can dream, right!). Paul and I usually go away for a vacation. However, the last 3 summers have been tough.

2 years ago, when we started trying for a baby, we thought I'd be pregnant or had just given birth in the summer. That didn't happen. Last year we were going through rounds of IVF, and we thought I'd be pregnant of had just given birth in the summer. That didn't happen. This summer we thought we would be very close to a referral or even have our referral and waiting for a travel date to Vietnam. Surprise, surprise - didn't happen. (Our agency told us back in Feb. to expect a referral within 6-9 months - how wrong they were).

So, another summer has come and no baby. No referral. Not even a hint that a referral is coming in the near future. This summer has been the hardest though because we have a room upstairs that has a closet with a few baby clothes, nursery bedding, and books. We have a crib, change table, and dresser (still in boxes though because I wouldn't be able to handle it if they were already set up). I have to keep the door shut to that room. I don't venture in there very often, but when I do, I am overcome by sadness and my mind is racing with questions that I don't have answers to.

Somewhere, buried deep inside me, I know that Paul and I will become parents one day (said with a little prayer to the big man upstairs). But right now, all I see is the two of us standing on a road that turns, twists, and stretches farther than our eyes can see. We know that we have already traveled a long way down that road. We've had times where we were leaping down it and times where we were just taking baby steps. Right now and for the last few months, it feels as though the road is covered with mud up to our waist and we are trying to run to the end but can't. We are trapped. Our legs and bodies are aching because we are trying so hard. We know where we want to go, we know what is waiting at the end for us, but we just can't get there.

After everything we've been through in the part 3 years, isn't it time we get a break! Just a tiny ray of hope that actually shines rather than fade out. I don't know how much more of this I can take, emotionally. I would have thought that by now, my tear ducts would be dried up from over-use, my life time supply of worries would have been used up a long time ago, and my patience completely shot by now. I know everything happens for a reason but come on, how long does one have to wonder what that reason is!

Ah, I needed to vent and get that out of my system.

Until the next vent …

Backyard Project Complete!

I haven't updated in a while but we've been busy with our backyard project. I'm happy to say that it is completed! Now we can sit back and enjoy it!

Moving the dirt and building the beds

It's ready for plants!


Here come the plants!

Ahhhh - it's done!



All we need next is the sod!